


Building Blocks

by catchmeifyoucreon



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Character Study, F/F, Genderswap, Grief/Mourning, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 01:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14462535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catchmeifyoucreon/pseuds/catchmeifyoucreon
Summary: 'There had never been any doubt in Raleigh's mind that she and Yancy would grow up to lead the same lives.' Raleigh has to learn to let some light back in, after.





	Building Blocks

**Author's Note:**

> So, I first posted a slightly different version of this story back when the first Pacific Rim movie came out, and deleted it a little while later. I just today found it while looking through my Google Docs, and thought I'd try fixing it up and posting it again! Warnings for sibling death, grief, and flashbacks/trauma.

There had never been any doubt in Raleigh's mind that she and Yancy would grow up to lead the same lives. It had always seemed immutable to her, like the fact that the sun rose and set every day and toast would always taste best with Nutella.

Whenever she tried to imagine being an adult without Yancy at her side, a translucent shutter came down in between her and the idea; she could faintly hear the sound her voice would make without Yancy, could vaguely see the way her body would move and the dull shapes of the people she would associate with, but there was nothing solid or real left to her there.

 

*

 

She learned, in those painful months after Yancy had been ripped out of her mind forever by Knifehead, that life without her sister was exactly as she had feared, except now she was on the other side of the shutter, and she couldn't see or hear anything from the space she'd once filled.

 

*

 

She found her way to the wall in Alaska, somehow. Learning to weld and construct after years of studying the engineers at the Shatterdome was a pretty simple task, but it sharpened her focus ever so slightly. The world's colours became a little less grey as she made sparks fly from metal for hours on end, long past the point where her bones ached for her to stop.

She thought Yancy would have teased her for the dirt streaked across her face that she never quite managed to wash away, the sunburn that left white circles around her eyes where her goggles usually rested, the way she fell onto her bed each night without even trying to strip or get beneath the covers.

Sometimes, she dreamed of waking to find herself in a thin nightgown, _clean_ , on the bottom bunk with tingles running along her scalp, the after-effects of the Drift mingling with Yancy's fingers in her hair as she braided it with careful, light hands.

There was a brief moment in every dream, when the braid was done, where Raleigh would roll over, Yancy’s name on her lips. Yancy was always bathed in the pinkish dawn light with hers lips pursed, halfway to that free, high laugh of hers, haloed by her blonde hair. Raleigh’s breath would catch in her chest like a parachute yanked into a Jaeger engine.

She always awoke before she could hear Yancy say her name in return.

 

*

 

The Marshall, when he arrived, didn't look at her with pity or derision in his eyes; that was probably the only reason Raleigh found herself walking towards him, every step wrenching her body out of its fragile alignment. The construction work was taking its toll on her body, but what else was there for her now?

At least she was doing _something_ . Even if the walls weren't working, even if the Kaiju were already crashing straight through, even if the likes of Chuck Hansen were ridiculing her and Yancy live on television, she was doing what she could.

She tried to turn her mind away from the image of Yancy shaking her head, but there was no hiding from her sister's judgement. It burned like a brand at the base of her neck, until she could have sworn she smelt charred flesh.

As she wondered what to say beyond her initial greeting, Stacker Pentecost gazed over at the poor workers who scraped a living from construction. He was inscrutable as ever. She found her shoulders softening at his lack of judgement and, although she raged when he asked her to fight once more, she knew she was going to agree in the end.

She was going to let someone into her head. Someone who wasn't Yancy.

Throughout the journey to Hong Kong she was silent, her breath steaming up the chopper's tinted window. It felt like a betrayal, but there was a strange shifting at the edges of the shutter that had blocked her from life for so long. It blurred and wavered and threatened to let light bursting back in for good. She spent a lot of time trying not to wonder why that felt so unnerving.

 

*

 

_I couldn't do this with anyone else, Yance –_

_– Yes, Mako, that's it, come to Mommy –_

There was no rhyme or rhythm to the memories that came through in the Drift. There was no way to stop someone from seeing something, or to make them see. Mako and Raleigh let the memories whirl past them in rapid flashes. Raleigh felt Mako's restraint like a well honed blade pausing before an incision. She could sense the strength Mako threw into ignoring her memories, into pulling herself back whenever she teetered on the edge of the rabbit hole. She found it admirable, found it endearing, found that Mako knew this now and returned the sentiments.

Then, it was done. They were linked. Tendo made a noise in their ear pieces that sounded more than a little relieved. Raleigh felt whole again, felt as though she'd smashed straight through that goddamned shutter and made it out to the other side. She was content to just stand and let the sun pour down on her for a little while. It had been long enough.

She glanced to the left, at Mako – beautiful, sweet, Drift compatible Mako, who was coursing with triumph and pride – and in an instant her calm was ripped away with her own body, wrenched out of the cockpit with no warning, her heart battering so loudly that the Kaiju heard and tore at the source. Raleigh's thoughts were piercing her through like the Kaiju's claws until there was only Raleigh left screaming, alone in her own head with a flesh memory of death weighing down on her and nerve endings shredded into the shape of Yancy's corpse.

The Drift launched Raleigh and Mako backwards in protest, and they staggered, out of time with one another. There were shouts from Tendo's side, and Raleigh gritted her teeth, braced her legs. _It's a memory, it’s not happening now. Yancy’s gone. It's Mako now. You've gotta look out for her. Mako --_

Tendo was speaking in frantic tones, telling her things she already knew, that she wanted to forget, that her mind couldn’t let her believe, that made her feel physically sick at the thought.

Raleigh came back to herself, but they were still out of alignment.

“You're fine, but she's still out there.”

 _That_ got her. Mako was chasing memories and it was all her fault. She could still see Yancy's face etched out in the distance, contorted, begging to be saved. _Yancy's gone, later, later, later._ Raleigh turned away from the spectre and stepped into Mako's world. She could do something, here. She didn't need Yancy's ghost to shake her head or smile down to know that this was where she needed to be.

 

*

 

The shutter stayed standing, cracked and battered, in the debris of her mind. She couldn't deny that it was there, nor could she sweep its remnants away. There was a before, and there was an after. But she could accept that Yancy's death hadn't meant the end of her own life. Perhaps, Raleigh began to think, she could start to build new windows through the shutter, and perhaps the colour would start to leak back in.


End file.
